Vitayu Ukraine

On March 28, 2010 I will begin my trip to Washington D.C. for staging with the Peace Corps. From there I will travel with maybe 20-30 strangers, who I hope become my friends, to the Ukraine where we will begin our 3 month training program. There are a lot of unknowns. I don't know where I'll be in the Ukraine. I don't know anyone over there. I don't know anyone I'm going with. I don't know what my living situation will be. It can be overwhelming to think about all of this. God is so good though. I've had a few friends who have connections with people in the Ukraine. It's cool how connections can be made.

My job title is Youth Developer. I'll be working in a school teaching a few elective classes on HIV/AIDS prevention, drug and alcohol abuse and being proactive to avoid human trafficking. In addition I will be mentoring and creating extra-curricular activities after school. I also hope to work in an orphanage and will seek out other opportunities to serve in my community. I know that God has been preparing me for this and that my gifts lie in service. I also know that God has been wherever I am going for a long time before and He will be there far after I leave. Although the Peace Corps is not a faith based program, I am going with the knowledge and faith that I'm working for a bigger purpose than what we can offer here on earth. I pray for God to use me to glorify Him. My prayer for a long time has been from Isaiah, "Here am I. Send me." And so I go.

I am looking forward to the work and the opportunity to serve the people. I am intrigued by new cultures and am fascinated by Europe. I am looking forward to the challenges I will face and learning to speak Ukranian, Russian, or both. While watching the Olympics I was drawn to the Ukranian athletes. I wonder if I will meet any of them. Probably not, but it was good to hear and read the names. I wonder if I'll adopt or be given a Ukrainian name? I looked up a few and if they let me choose I like Anichka. It means grace. That's something I have been covered in.

This whole experience is pretty surreal right now. Things are moving so fast. I was placed less than two weeks ago and it feels like my world has been flipped upside down. It's definitely different to think about going than it has been to actually prepare to go. I feel unstable right now because I am between so many different emotions. Time seems like it's moving at a turbo pace, and I'm jealous of my time with the people I care about and am trying to use it wisely. Sleep can wait, right? I don't think I can spend enough time with everyone right now. It's going to be incredibly hard to get on that plane to D.C.

I quit both of my jobs. I'll be done on March 12. No more 'my girl Friday' and no more Banana Republic. I've worked there for just about 6 1/2 years. Crazy to think about. I've been at Paulsen Marketing for about 2 1/2. It's super bittersweet to leave my coworkers. They've been really good to me and I will miss them all. In the next few weeks I will move home and pack a few things to take with me. I'm sure my parents are thrilled to store all of my stuff from 26 years :) Thank you both so much!!!

It hurts to leave behind the people that I love. It hurts my heart to hear my mom cry over the phone and to know that she breaks down in Hy-Vee. It hurts to leave Jon. It hurts to leave my friends. It's going to be hard to leave my church body at The Crossing. They've become a second family to me. I'm not sure if I'll even have a church body where I'm at and that's something I would miss tremendously. It's extremely bittersweet. I don't have words to even describe the varying emotions and feelings I go through every day. I am comfortable here. But sometimes comfort invites us to be lazy too. Lazy in the urgency of the needs that surround us because we can pay attention to them tomorrow. Being intentional is something I'm constantly trying to work on. I think this experience will force me to be intentional in communication within relationships, in spending time with God, in finding opportunities to serve, and in so many other ways. God has given me comfort in a passage in James.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. - James 1:2-6

I don't know what to expect through this experience. It will probably be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I keep breaking the time down into smaller increments. Kind of like how I have to break a marathon down into 4 10Ks and then a couple glory miles to bring it home. I'm breaking this time down the same way. Six month increments. Only 4 of them and then a few months before I come home. I look forward to people visiting. I'm hoping to take along a video camera to record footage of where I am and do some video blogging. It's going to be hard, but some of the best things happen under extreme adversity and pressure. Diamonds and pearls are created under pressure. Okay, those are the only two examples that come to mind, but they are beautiful. This is going to be hard, but it's not forever. There is an end.

I want to end this post with a couple of things that my parents did or said that I think are adorable. When I found out where I was placed I left my parents a message letting them know it was the Ukraine. I left a message because I was on my way to a meeting and was calling my brothers too. I didn't want my parents to find out from my brothers should they talk before I'm done with the meeting. Anyways, I called my parents when I was leaving the meeting and my mom answered the phone. She started choking up when she heard my voice. I asked her how she was doing and she tearfully said, "Okay." Then she told me, "Em, I came out to the globe and I can't find where the Ukraine. Where is it at?" She's so precious.

My dad called last week on his way home from Brookings. He was all excited because he just bought a new laptop with a camera so that we can Skype and stay in touch through all the resources we have. He was really excited about it. I know that he'll be the rock for my mom when she's having tough days. I'm grateful for that. PTL! :)

Thank you everyone for your supporting and encouraging prayers, words and actions. It has meant the world to me. I don't know how people can do this without faith. I feel so connected to you all through the Father.

I'm so going to miss life here. I'm sad that I won't be here to celebrate weddings with some really dear friends. I'll miss my parents 30th wedding anniversary, my mom's 50th birthday, my dad's 60th birthday, possibly the break of my little brother in Nashville. I still want to be your manager Kyle ;) I will miss quality time, random game nights, goofy hangout sessions with friends. I will miss counseling at camp this summer. I will miss spending holidays with my family. I'll miss road trips, running, making Phad Thai, working on a puzzle for two months and face-to-face conversations with Jon. I'll miss ccs and coffee with Sara. I'll miss coffee and prayer time with Alyssa. I'll miss going to Sieff's rap concerts, and making videos at camp with this crazy and Alex, and watching 90s movies with these two and Jantina. I'll miss going to the Olive Garden with Charia. I'll miss Fit TV belly dancing with Karen. I'll miss working out with the gang at Endurance and training for races with friends. I'll miss The Crossing. I'll miss my life group. I'll miss running on the trails, going to Target, riding my bike, going to the lake...I know I'm leaving people out, but be assured that I will miss you! I'm going to miss so much. I could go on forever. I hope that this blog will help us to stay connected. I'll post as regularly as I can to keep you all up to date with what's going on. I would love to hear from you too. Please write me or email me at emily.sue.knutson@gmail.com or emknut@hotmail.com.

This experience is going to be a challenge, but I know that God is with me through it all. He keeps reminding me of the words in Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be dismayed or discouraged for the Lord Your God is with you wherever you go." PTL for that!!! I have been praying about this for a long time. I know it will not be easy, but I also know that God will give me what I need day to day. It is with that humbling reality that I go.

Valid

I’ve been a delinquent lately in a few areas. In blogging, replying to emails, and renewing my driver’s license. I thought it expired in December of 2010, but when I was booking a plane ticket I realized it had already expired. Two and a half months ago. I had done everything I could to not have to take the driver’s exam after my permit. One little mistake and I’m studying the driver’s manual like I did when I was 14. Not so cool when you’re 26. I was nervous too. I’ve been driving for 12 years. I shouldn’t be nervous to be tested over something I know how to do. I do know the rule of the road, right? Well I studied for a couple of hours just to make sure.

Sara took me to the DMV this morning. We drove through Starbucks first. The barista asked me what I was studying for. The answer I was forced to give was both humbling and embarrassing. Oh well. It is what it is.

When we pulled up the to station at 6:51 I had this competitiveness with the other drivers who were waiting for the doors to open at 7:00. A couple other cars pulled up and I was tempted to get out of my car and wait outside in front of the door. Um, calm down Knutson. It’s the DMV. You’ll get in and get ‘er done whether you’re first or fourth. Sara talked some sense into me, but I still jumped out of the car once the first driver did. Pumped up to defend my place in line like a threatened porcupine.

The DMV workers are dry. No personality. They don’t smile. I think they hate their jobs and everyone who walks in. Characters come out of the woodwork at the DMV. It just feels sketch.

I passed my test with a perfect score. I was so excited! I walked over to Sara and told her then went to wait for my new license to print. The lady sitting next to Sara told her, “I’ve got a lot ridin’ on this test. Been driving for a long time. Grew up on a ranch. Had to drive young. Got every important document I own in this bag…” Wow. I hope she passed.

I feel like a new lady now! I’m a valid driver once again. Watch out world here I come!

Follow You

by Leelenad

You live among the least of these, the weary and the weak

And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away

All my needs You have supplied

When I was dead You gave me life

How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll, I'll follow You into the homes of the broken

I'll follow You into the world

I'll meet the needs for the poor and the needy God

I'll follow You into the world

Use my hands, use my feet to make Your kingdom come

To the corners of the earth until Your work is done

'Cause faith without works is dead

And on the cross Your blood was shed

So how could we not give it away so freely?

And I'll, I'll follow You into the homes of the broken

Follow You into the world

Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God

I'll follow You into the world

Follow You into the homes of the broken

I'll follow You into the world

And meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God

I'll follow You into the world

I give all myself, I give all myself

And I give all myself to You

And I give all myself, yes, I give all myself

And I give all myself to You

And I'll follow You into the homes of the broken

I'll follow You into the world

Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God

I'll follow You into the world

I'll follow You into the homes of the broken

Follow You into the world

Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God

I'll follow You into the world, but where in the world do You want me to go??? Guide me. Clearly. Use my hands, use my feet to make Your kingdom come Jesus.

Encouragement for today...

“We give no offense in anything, that our ministry may not be blamed. But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, in stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings; by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as deceivers, and yet true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.”---2 Corinthians 6:3-10 (NKJV)

A Love Song for Haiti by Kirk Franklin

Saw a link to this on Twitter and just watched it. Beautiful.

I stole this from Kristie's blog. These rooms are super cute! I would love to live in one.

Too green for me

What do these look like to you? I thought that maybe they were homemade pot-holders or wash clothes... I was so wrong. They are reusable toilet paper squares. I'm all for simplifying and going green, but I draw the line at this idea. I don't think I could do it. I don't want to wash poopy rags. The thought makes me gag. What do you think? Could you or would you want to replace your toilet paper with the rags?

It becomes a reality by the choices you make. Choose wisely

Unfortunately, the number of orphans, widows and young girls involved in sex trade is increasing in number through this disaster in Haiti. While we can't prevent who was killed or the number of deaths we can prevent how the people are treated. SHAME ON YOU if you participate in the sex trade of these young girls. If I ever meet one of you perverse people I will castrate you. Consider that your warning. It makes my blood boil to the extreme. I have no time for that behavior and I have no tolerance for those choices or actions. Click here to read an article about this.

In Matthew 5:27-30 Jesus talks about adultery. In this case I will be focusing on verses 29-30.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

Did you catch that? If a part of your body causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF!!! In most cases I would say Jesus does not mean to literally cut it off your body hand or gouge our your eye. However, in the case of sex trade with young girls I'm going to be extremely literal. If your not able to control yourself like a human and act like an animal with sexual behavior towards young girls. Not women. Girls. Heaven forbid we ever meet because I will remove not only the temptation to sin, but the ability to perform such a perverse act. After all if you act so perversely you don't deserve to be called a man. Or physically resemble one.

Too subtle for you?

Haiti.

What comes to your mind when you read that?

Earthquake.

Disaster.

Death.

Corruption.

Why?

What feelings surface in your heart?

Pain.

Grief.

Anger.

Here's what I think of. All the beautiful faces of the friends I met in November. Praising God for the protection He provided for the kids at the orphanage and in the surrounding community. My heart breaks for the people who are experiencing great loss. I want to fall to my knees many times a day in prayer. I have faith that God will be a stronghold, a refuge and deliver many people through this. I'm slightly numb at times because I don't know what to feel. I experienced personal grief in December when my grandma passed away, but how do you grieve for an entire country? God has put a few verses in my path this past week that I'll share with you. I don't think words are enough, but it's what I have to offer on a blog.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;

he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

The LORD helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

- Psalm 37:39-40

I am drawn to the descriptions of God as their stronghold, deliverer and a place of refuge. I pray for God to be these to those grieving in Haiti.

Also...

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

- James 1:22-24

This is real for so many reasons with how we can actively help in Haiti, but especially because God has called us to take care of the orphans and the widows. Heartbreaking, but the reality is that this number will continue to increase in Haiti as bodies are uncovered. Let us not forget the reflection of Christ we choose to embrace. Let us not forget what He has called us to do. Let us take care of the orphans and widows.

I ask for your prayers for the people of Haiti. I challenge you to act. There are many great places to give. Here's one. Mission Haiti. That's where I helped serve in November. Click here to donate finacially. They are in the process of filling a truck with "Kids Against Hunger" food, medical supplies, hygiene kits, generator, water filtration equipment, baby formula/baby cereal to take down to Haiti. Please prayerfully give! Comment if you have questions and I will do my best to answer them or find the answers.

I'm so thankful for the protection God provided for these precious children.

Neet (left) was in Port au Prince during the earthquake. PTL for his safety! He was in Port working on adoption papers.

Antione was in Port with Neet. PTL again for his safety! He was my translator for the lessons of Noah's Ark.

Heart song of the day...

This song came on my pandora playlist this morning. We sing it at church occasionally. I love it and thought I would share it. Here's 'Beautiful' by Phil Whickham:

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

A Charlie Brown Christmas

“Christmas is coming but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.”

- Charlie Brown

This describes how I’ve felt this Christmas. It’s been a Charlie Brown Christmas for me. I knew it would be different when we sent my grandma to heaven on December 9. It was a challenge to go back to work and watch the world carry on as if nothing had changed, because for me it had.

I knew that Christmas would be here soon. I also knew that I wouldn’t be prepared for the consumer Christmas. I think it's weird to celebrate the birth of Christ with gifts for us. I wonder what Jesus would think if he was with my family during this time...

There were no decorations up in our apartment. There was no Christmas tree up at home. My dad fell and broke a couple of ribs the week after my grandma passed away, which left my mom and Kyle to do chores. Not leaving a lot of spare time for mom to put the tree up. We plugged in the lights around an artificial tree and placed the gifts underneath. Merry Christmas!

To make Christmas even Charlie Brownier I got the flu on Tuesday night and was sick until a couple of hours before the Christmas Eve Service. I stubbornly refused to miss that. It’s my favorite part of Christmas. I love singing Silent Night while everyone is holding his or her lit candles. It’s a reminder of the light that Jesus brings to our dark world. Although the candles are extinguished once the song ends I pray that the light of Christ in us illuminates everyday so that people will know Jesus. I’m reminded of the verse we used for baptism at home, “Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven.”

After the service we came back to the farm to gorge ourselves with oyster stew, chili and grandma's famous brown-sugar cream pie. So delicious :) We then gathered in the family room to open gifts. My grandpa is in Arizona with my aunt and uncle, but he left Christmas cards for us kids before leaving. He gave us a very generous gift and a beautiful card. It breaks my heart to think of his heart breaking. This is the first Christmas, two weeks shy of 66 years, without grandma. Poor pumpkin.

The piles and piles of freshly fallen snow prevented us from going anywhere other than home for Christmas. No get together with the Knutson side. That was odd, but it is what it is. I enjoyed the forced time with my family. It forced all of us to not get caught up in the business of life. Especially around Christmas. A refreshing change.

Towards the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas, in frustration Charlie Brown yells, "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" Sweet Linus Van Pelt takes his baby blue blanket down from his mouth and says the following.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

Linus then reassures Charlie saying, "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

I echo Linus this Christmas and pray that you were filled with the true joy of Christmas. The gift of Jesus Christ who humbly came as a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. May you continue to find joy and hope in the love He continues to give, the truth He brought, and the promise He has to reunite with us. Merry Christmas.

So gordo eden everdeen

Me with Grandma and Grandpa Owen on Christmas Day last year.

My great-grandma Hannah Stewart was 100% Swedish. My grandma grew up to her mother picking guitar and singing Swedish songs, and remembered the phrase, "So gordo eden everdeen" in particular. It means, "So goes it in this world." I feel this expression is appropriate for this post. It also holds a special place in my heart because I learned it from my grandma.

Last week I spent time laughing with my grandma on Monday, holding her hand on Tuesday, and humming Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art as I ran my fingers through her hair hours before she took her last breath on Wednesday. A bittersweet moment. Grandma was sleeping and peaceful. Her breaths quickly became more shallow and farther apart. I ran down to the cafeteria to grab my grandpa, uncle Doug, and my cousin's husband. We all rushed back to her room and watched as her breathing slowed and eventually she didn't take another. My cousin, Marisa, and I were hugging each other and weeping. It was odd to kiss grandma's cheek after that. I know that God has made our bodies to be a temple to house our souls here on earth, but how I love my grandma's temple. It was how I recognized her and how I will always remember her. It was a blessing to love her through the transition of life on earth into eternity where Jesus was ushering her to heaven. Grandma loved to dance back in the day and I know she is dancing in heaven.

I will always cherish this past Thanksgiving where my grandma and I sat by each other at the table and kept making each other laugh. The doctor said her heart was frail. I would say it was tender. She would openly cry during a pretty song, a sad story, or simply talking about family. I had the privilege of being with her on Monday night before she took a turn for the worst. Although her vitals were low she was extra lively that night. Full of jokes, laughter and she even played air piano and sang an original song for me..."Come home Emmy, come home." My favorite part of the night was when the nurse came in and tied the remote around her bed. The nurse told my grandma to push the big button if she needed help and a red light would turn on outside her room signaling for assistance. To which my grandma responded, "What? Is this the red light district? Tell them I'm not available." It's those moments of extreme wit that I will miss the most.

For a few years I have wanted to interview my grandparents with a recorder, but haven't gotten around to it yet. Shame on me and my mixed priorities. I love hearing my grandparents tell stories. One of my favorite stories about Grandma Owen is her theatrical debut in Elrod, SD. She was in a play with her cousins and a few other friends. The curtain opened and immediately my grandma lost it and started laughing. She couldn't quit. Her dad sternly yelled, "Sister!" (That's what he called her.) Yet, grandma could not stop laughing, nor could any of the other girls on stage. Soon the audience joined in the uproar. The curtains closed without a single word uttered and that was the show. I probably inherited my passion for the theatre from her :)

I used to think that death was justifiable by age. I now know that to not be true. My grandma would have been 87 on January 14. She was a part of my life just a few days short of 26 years. It's difficult to learn to live without someone you love who has always been there. I have very fond memories of staying with my grandparents in town during the winter Farm Show and in the summer at their lake home on Kampeska. My cousin Amber and I would share the upstairs room across from grandma & grandpa's at the lake, and we would share my mom's old bedroom in town. I remember eating my grandma's rice, brown sugar cream pie and cinnamon & raisin bread. She was always quick with a joke, would whistle songs, and loved to laugh. She would let me eat Ego waffles for breakfast and stay up late watching Married with Children. Totally not appropriate, but it made me feel special because mom and dad would never let me do that. She always had store bought molasses cookies on hand. My grandma passed down her long bony fingers to my mom and in turn they have been passed down to me. It reminds me of the scene in Beaches when the daughter, Victoria realizes she has the same hands as her mother. I have a picture of all our hand from a few years ago that is precious to me.

This past week has been tough to say the least. It was filled with tears, laughter and shared memories. I was blessed to be surrounded by family and go through the emotions and grieve together. Monday was tough. I wasn't ready to be back at work. It's odd to see the world going on as if nothing ever happened after I just experienced a life changing loss. The song Without You from Rent comes to mind. Right now it's not just day to day, but rather moment to moment with how I feel. I can be fine one moment and then crying in my car the next. With family getting together for Christmas next week it's just a constant reminder that Grandma Owen won't be there. She would have been 87 on January 14 and her and my grandpa would have celebrated their 66th anniversary on the 23rd of this month. There are very special dates that my family will always share with my grandma. My little brother, Kyle was born on her birthday, she passed away on my cousin's baby boy's birthday - December 9 and we said our official goodbye at her funeral on my birthday - December 13. She will always be remembered. Unintentionally, she made certain of that. Pictures of her keep surfacing in my mind and the memories continue to echo in my heart.

Thank you to my friends who have stopped to ask how I am doing, sent a card, and have lifted my family up in prayer. God has worked through each one of you to show me His love, comfort and peace. I am blessed by you all. I leave you with a passage that a friend shared with me.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

- 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

God's Vessel

On my flight from Miami to Dallas I sat by a guy who has spent his life in the military. He was headed home from Trinidad. After seeing my passport he asked where I had been. I told him that my friends and I had been on a mission trip in Haiti and briefly described our work. He and the guy next to him felt convicted to tell me that they hadn't been to church in a long time. I asked him a little about why he had fallen away from church. He explained it to me, and then we were quiet for awhile and watched the video of safety instructions. He chuckled a bit and said, "That's funny." I asked him if he thought the video was funny, because I was not amused. He told me that he had chinese food at the airport and his fortune said, "God wants you." He thought it was ironic that he ends up sitting next to a missionary on the plane. This opened a huge door for some really great conversation. I had been praying for God to use me on the way home and He did. It feels great to be a vessel for God to use.

God is love

You've heard the saying, "home is where the heart is," right? What if your heart is scattered all over? I have left pieces in Mexico, Africa, New Orleans, the Rosebud Reservation, the streets of LA, and most recently Haiti. My heart breaks easily and I leave a good chunk of it where it breaks. It's nearly impossible to explain what I experienced in Haiti without taking you there, but I'll try.

This last trip to Haiti was completely different from last year where we spent almost all of our time in the walls of the orphanage tending to the 100 kids. This time we were in Ti Rivier working with Mission Haiti. We stayed at the orphanage, but were not contained inside the walls. We would hike between 1-3 hours up to schools in the mountains to tell the story of Noah's Ark, do crafts, hand out school supplies (a drawstring backpack, ruler, notebook and two pencils), and fit the kids with shoes and at one school clothing too. At the first school we also fed the kids a protein and vitamin rich rice lunch from Feed My Starving Children. I was constantly amazed at the patience of the children. There was a heaping plate of food in front of half the children, who most likely hadn't eaten since the day before at the earliest, and not a single one touched their food until everyone had been served and they prayed. I know adults who eat three meals a day who aren't that patient. Myself included.

While helping kids find new shoes I couldn't help but remember what a fun experience it was for me as a kid to go with my family to buy a new pair of shoes. Here, it was a game of simply finding a shoe that fits. If the colors match the gender of the kid that's a bonus. I hated that. I wanted them to have choices, but we didn't have the time to sort through all the shoes nor did we have a wide enough variety of shoes for anyone to be picky. I'll never forget the smiles on their faces after fitting them with a new pair. Pure joy. It melted my heart.

At the mountain school we handed out clothing as well. The school was packed. There were over 200 kids in a room a little smaller than an American classroom. At least the ones I've been in. We had to clear the kids out of the building to set up stations for clothing, shoes and school supplies. I can guarantee that not many kids I know would be so excited to receive a used ruler. My friend, Molly and I were in charge of the clothing station. We didn't have a wide variety of sizes. The majority of the clothing was for baby girls. The majority of the need was for boys and girls 2nd grade and up. We fit the kids that we could with the clothing we had, but we were forced to turn a lot of kids away because we didn't have anything that would fit them. The kids were wearing their best outfits that day. I fought back the tears as we had to tell kids with torn dresses and shirts that we didn't have anything for them. Thinking about it still makes me cry. Especially knowing that I have so many clothes that I don't have room for them all and these kids have one torn outfit that doesn't really fit them. The youth kids and the kids at the orphanage asked a very relevant question for them, "If God provides for us then why are there people in the mountains who are starving and don't have homes or clothing?" God's reply to me was, "Why do you have so much? I put you here to help and you're greedy." Touche God. Touche. I think we all to often blame God for the wrongs in this world when we should be looking in the mirror. These people don't have to starve or be naked. I can give them what I have. After all, God blessed me with it.

The professors at the school don't have a constant salary like we think of in the states. Pam would tell them, "When God blesses me, I will bless you." They accepted that. I've been hoarding God's blessings to serve myself. That's a harsh reality. Help me to bless others when You bless me.

We spent our afternoons and evenings with the kids at the orphanage and with the youth. They are all so precious. I really enjoyed getting to know them. I'm excited to see what this generation does for the people of Haiti. They are on fire for the Lord and have so much respect for what Pam teaches them during youth group and the bible stories she tells the kids at night. A lot of the youth kids were curious about how many countries we had been too. I felt guilty telling them because they have never traveled outside of Haiti and most likely never will. They're curious and love to learn. One of the youth kids asked me about the big houses in America. He wanted to know if there were people living in every room. If those home were in Haiti they would house a small village. In the states they most likely are a shelter for about two to five people with plenty of room to spare. Does that make you feel wasteful? ...me too.

Voodoo and witchcraft are very present in Haiti. While we were there Pam told us about a curse that was put on a lady in the mountains. She woke up the next morning paralyzed. The doctors said there was no medical reason for this. I know that God is BIG. He can move mountains. I can't help but think about what the world would be like if we, as Christians, had the kind of faith in God to perform miracles as some people have faith in witchcraft to curse others. God, give me the faith of a mustard seed to believe in Your power. I kept thinking that God is love and couldn't help but wonder what Haiti would be like if God was the center. About 200 years ago the president signed the land over to Satan and in 2004 the new president didn't get a chance to renew that contract. There have already been some really big changes with growth of vegetation and the Holy Spirit moving in incredible ways. It's exciting to see!

Our friend Patchouko would lead the kids in a couple of praise songs at the schools. There is no sweeter sound to me than listening to these kids sing with their whole heart. The kids at the orphanage would sing praise songs to us too. I'm certain that makes God smile. I wake up to the memory of them singing and the smiles on their faces. It brings me joy.

Being back to the daily grind is harsh. It's harder being back than it was dealing with the pain and brokenness we were exposed to. I can't help but feel that God was able to use me more in Haiti than behind a desk in the states. My passion and hearts desire has always been to help others. I love the freedom that life in Haiti brings. I'm not distracted by my cell phone, email or facebook. I'm not tempted to buy...stuff. I want to live a simple life, but am so easily distracted and sucked into the idea that I need a new outfit, gadget, etc. I loved walking everywhere...except for the 5 hour drive to the orphanage from Port au Prince. It's wasn't a luxury ride sitting on a board, leaning against wire and being caged into the back of a pick-up. Pretty sure my sit bones ripped through my skin and my back is still bruised, but I would do it all over again tomorrow, forever.

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.

- Micah 6:8

We have over 2,000 pics from our trip that we need to sort through. I'll post a few and some video once I it.

Lord, let your glory fall

This song is resounding in my heart and head today. Lord, you are good and your love endures!

Haiti or Bust

"Referring to the church as a building is like referring to people as two-by-fours." - Don Everts, Jesus with Dirty Feet

"We are not called to be successful but to be faithful." - Mother Teresa

"People always want to define you by what you do. I started saying, 'I'm not too concerned with what I am going to do. I am more interested in who I am becoming. I want to be a lover of God and people.'" - Shane Claiborne, The Irresistible Revolution

These are just a few quotes that are surfacing in my head as I prepare my heart for the brokenness it will surely endure this next week. In less that 36 hours I set out to Haiti with six other friends. I had the privilege of going to work at the orphanage, Children of the Promise in Haiti last June. This time we're going to be working in a different orphanage, on the opposite side of Haiti I was at last year, and traveling through the rural mountain communities teaching VBS and playing games.

We're there for a week and I know the time will fly by. I already am hesitant to return. If I could stay long term I definitely would. I'll update you on stories and let you know how God is moving in Haiti when we return. Please be praying for my friends and the people we will meet during this trip. Pray for obedience on our part, and for us to have the boldness and courage of Esther. Pray for relationships to be formed and for friendships to develop. Pray.

Friday Funnies

Here are a few of my favorite Michael Scott lines from The Office.

Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.

You may look around and see two groups here; white collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

'Hug it out, bitch.' That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I've found. Doesn't translate.

Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

What next?

For the past year and a half I have always had something to physically train for; triathlons, half-marathons and marathons. This is the first time I have finished a race and not had another on my plate. I thought it would be refreshing. It's not. I'm bored. I need to find a race to train for. I like goals. They motivate me to push myself. I look forward to the challenge of improving my time and willing my body to go on. The journey is the best part. Where you learn a lot about your character, have time to think or void your mind of all thought, and it's where I spend quality time with God. That's why I need a new race. I can't deny myself the journey, and although the race is extremely demanding the reward of finishing well covers all the pain.

Where's the magenta?

Sometimes I feel like a 64-color box of crayons in a world full of 8-color boxes too.

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!" - John Mayer

Thought for the day

Robert McKee said, "A Character is revealed by the decisions they make under pressure."

What does your character say about you?