A Charlie Brown Christmas

“Christmas is coming but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.”

- Charlie Brown

This describes how I’ve felt this Christmas. It’s been a Charlie Brown Christmas for me. I knew it would be different when we sent my grandma to heaven on December 9. It was a challenge to go back to work and watch the world carry on as if nothing had changed, because for me it had.

I knew that Christmas would be here soon. I also knew that I wouldn’t be prepared for the consumer Christmas. I think it's weird to celebrate the birth of Christ with gifts for us. I wonder what Jesus would think if he was with my family during this time...

There were no decorations up in our apartment. There was no Christmas tree up at home. My dad fell and broke a couple of ribs the week after my grandma passed away, which left my mom and Kyle to do chores. Not leaving a lot of spare time for mom to put the tree up. We plugged in the lights around an artificial tree and placed the gifts underneath. Merry Christmas!

To make Christmas even Charlie Brownier I got the flu on Tuesday night and was sick until a couple of hours before the Christmas Eve Service. I stubbornly refused to miss that. It’s my favorite part of Christmas. I love singing Silent Night while everyone is holding his or her lit candles. It’s a reminder of the light that Jesus brings to our dark world. Although the candles are extinguished once the song ends I pray that the light of Christ in us illuminates everyday so that people will know Jesus. I’m reminded of the verse we used for baptism at home, “Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven.”

After the service we came back to the farm to gorge ourselves with oyster stew, chili and grandma's famous brown-sugar cream pie. So delicious :) We then gathered in the family room to open gifts. My grandpa is in Arizona with my aunt and uncle, but he left Christmas cards for us kids before leaving. He gave us a very generous gift and a beautiful card. It breaks my heart to think of his heart breaking. This is the first Christmas, two weeks shy of 66 years, without grandma. Poor pumpkin.

The piles and piles of freshly fallen snow prevented us from going anywhere other than home for Christmas. No get together with the Knutson side. That was odd, but it is what it is. I enjoyed the forced time with my family. It forced all of us to not get caught up in the business of life. Especially around Christmas. A refreshing change.

Towards the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas, in frustration Charlie Brown yells, "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?" Sweet Linus Van Pelt takes his baby blue blanket down from his mouth and says the following.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

Linus then reassures Charlie saying, "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

I echo Linus this Christmas and pray that you were filled with the true joy of Christmas. The gift of Jesus Christ who humbly came as a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. May you continue to find joy and hope in the love He continues to give, the truth He brought, and the promise He has to reunite with us. Merry Christmas.

So gordo eden everdeen

Me with Grandma and Grandpa Owen on Christmas Day last year.

My great-grandma Hannah Stewart was 100% Swedish. My grandma grew up to her mother picking guitar and singing Swedish songs, and remembered the phrase, "So gordo eden everdeen" in particular. It means, "So goes it in this world." I feel this expression is appropriate for this post. It also holds a special place in my heart because I learned it from my grandma.

Last week I spent time laughing with my grandma on Monday, holding her hand on Tuesday, and humming Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art as I ran my fingers through her hair hours before she took her last breath on Wednesday. A bittersweet moment. Grandma was sleeping and peaceful. Her breaths quickly became more shallow and farther apart. I ran down to the cafeteria to grab my grandpa, uncle Doug, and my cousin's husband. We all rushed back to her room and watched as her breathing slowed and eventually she didn't take another. My cousin, Marisa, and I were hugging each other and weeping. It was odd to kiss grandma's cheek after that. I know that God has made our bodies to be a temple to house our souls here on earth, but how I love my grandma's temple. It was how I recognized her and how I will always remember her. It was a blessing to love her through the transition of life on earth into eternity where Jesus was ushering her to heaven. Grandma loved to dance back in the day and I know she is dancing in heaven.

I will always cherish this past Thanksgiving where my grandma and I sat by each other at the table and kept making each other laugh. The doctor said her heart was frail. I would say it was tender. She would openly cry during a pretty song, a sad story, or simply talking about family. I had the privilege of being with her on Monday night before she took a turn for the worst. Although her vitals were low she was extra lively that night. Full of jokes, laughter and she even played air piano and sang an original song for me..."Come home Emmy, come home." My favorite part of the night was when the nurse came in and tied the remote around her bed. The nurse told my grandma to push the big button if she needed help and a red light would turn on outside her room signaling for assistance. To which my grandma responded, "What? Is this the red light district? Tell them I'm not available." It's those moments of extreme wit that I will miss the most.

For a few years I have wanted to interview my grandparents with a recorder, but haven't gotten around to it yet. Shame on me and my mixed priorities. I love hearing my grandparents tell stories. One of my favorite stories about Grandma Owen is her theatrical debut in Elrod, SD. She was in a play with her cousins and a few other friends. The curtain opened and immediately my grandma lost it and started laughing. She couldn't quit. Her dad sternly yelled, "Sister!" (That's what he called her.) Yet, grandma could not stop laughing, nor could any of the other girls on stage. Soon the audience joined in the uproar. The curtains closed without a single word uttered and that was the show. I probably inherited my passion for the theatre from her :)

I used to think that death was justifiable by age. I now know that to not be true. My grandma would have been 87 on January 14. She was a part of my life just a few days short of 26 years. It's difficult to learn to live without someone you love who has always been there. I have very fond memories of staying with my grandparents in town during the winter Farm Show and in the summer at their lake home on Kampeska. My cousin Amber and I would share the upstairs room across from grandma & grandpa's at the lake, and we would share my mom's old bedroom in town. I remember eating my grandma's rice, brown sugar cream pie and cinnamon & raisin bread. She was always quick with a joke, would whistle songs, and loved to laugh. She would let me eat Ego waffles for breakfast and stay up late watching Married with Children. Totally not appropriate, but it made me feel special because mom and dad would never let me do that. She always had store bought molasses cookies on hand. My grandma passed down her long bony fingers to my mom and in turn they have been passed down to me. It reminds me of the scene in Beaches when the daughter, Victoria realizes she has the same hands as her mother. I have a picture of all our hand from a few years ago that is precious to me.

This past week has been tough to say the least. It was filled with tears, laughter and shared memories. I was blessed to be surrounded by family and go through the emotions and grieve together. Monday was tough. I wasn't ready to be back at work. It's odd to see the world going on as if nothing ever happened after I just experienced a life changing loss. The song Without You from Rent comes to mind. Right now it's not just day to day, but rather moment to moment with how I feel. I can be fine one moment and then crying in my car the next. With family getting together for Christmas next week it's just a constant reminder that Grandma Owen won't be there. She would have been 87 on January 14 and her and my grandpa would have celebrated their 66th anniversary on the 23rd of this month. There are very special dates that my family will always share with my grandma. My little brother, Kyle was born on her birthday, she passed away on my cousin's baby boy's birthday - December 9 and we said our official goodbye at her funeral on my birthday - December 13. She will always be remembered. Unintentionally, she made certain of that. Pictures of her keep surfacing in my mind and the memories continue to echo in my heart.

Thank you to my friends who have stopped to ask how I am doing, sent a card, and have lifted my family up in prayer. God has worked through each one of you to show me His love, comfort and peace. I am blessed by you all. I leave you with a passage that a friend shared with me.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

- 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18